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Saying Good-bye vs. Needing Space in Relationships

The contrast is great and the energies shape shift daily. We are bombarded with staying aligned with our authentic self while sorting through our interpersonal relationships.

It is said people are in our life for a reason, a season, or a life time. We intend, and believe, some will last a lifetime. But, many may remain in our memory instead.

Relationships cannot, and should not, remain the same. Particularly when they are very long term. And we are ever evolving. Others will challenge our thoughts and beliefs as we grow. It is natural to have conflict that appears to severe all ties. However, sometimes we just need a long break from each other to have the space to grow differently, and independently.

Our relationships are built on a foundation of commonalities. A childhood. A shared place; such as school or work. An association with a particular community, or set of values. A marriage. It is not unusual that our growth may excel and need change while our others want to remain status quo. There is nothing wrong with either states of being. However new found awareness that transforms us, can separate us, as our perspectives evolve. Most often the unchanged wants to reclaim the person as they formerly were. And this is where relationships get rocky.

How do we know if our relationship is ending? There is usually a precipice that tips a partnership. We can go along and accept our differences for a long time. Yet, when one no longer wants to dance the same steps with their partner there may be cause to quit. Or, take a long break. In marriage, partnerships, friendships and family this scenario plays out in many dynamics. Long term relationships tend to hold on long after they are over because of hope to restore what once was. But the fact is, you cannot go back once you cross a bridge and decide to grow on. When both parties allow their others to evolve while each works on their own shadow-side, it is healthier. Working out stuff together typically is quite challenging. Because when individual reassessment and awareness occurs it succeeds best outside of the environment that was not conducive to growth.

Ask yourself if your relationship enhances and supports you in the way you want. Ask if you- and your other are transparent in sharing honestly all vulnerabilities. Ask if you have been truthful to yourself, or your other. Have you been accountable in your thoughts and actions. If your answers are NO, your relationship is either permanently over, or needs a long break to heal.

Often we do not want to severe a relationship that we have cherished. Yet events lead to a point of what may be no return. Perceptions of what once was, does not exist. When you are willing to say it is fine if this over, it releases you from any further expectations of another. In this release there is freedom of mind-body-spirit. Because it is an end of a want that can not be fulfilled. If your relationship had been lived in trust and truth, it will rekindle. If not, it is usually completed. When you surrender to saying good-bye you also give yourself permission to become healthier without being held back.

Every long term relationship is challenged at some point. The key is to be truthful to yourself, and your others. Using self-effacement, void of blame and judgment, one can determine whether a relationship will continue. It is only through trust and honesty you both can teach and reach your other. Because, trust is the true foundation of all lasting relationships.

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17 Tips to Cope with Conflict AND Succeed!

Conflict is part of life.
Yet few of us are comfortable
in the midst of confrontation.

Often we react, rather
than proactively assess the
situation before responding.

Here are 17 tips to help you
in moments of crisis and chaos.

First and Foremost!

  1. Take 10 seconds before reacting—or responding. Often when we are broadsided with deep contrast we have knee jerk reactions…much of which comes from a defensive position.
  2. Learn to breathe deeply for at least 3 deep breathes before saying any word at all.
  3. Gather yourself and compose your thoughts about what you just heard, saw or experienced.
  4. Remember and Realize….

    * How you respond sets the tone for an ugly or nicer interaction.
    * Reactions arise from learned behaviors –which can be changed.
    * People would act better if they knew how to – so help show them!
    * Acknowledge that everyone has different ways to cope with stress.
    * And every interaction is a new opportunity for YOU to learn from another.

3 Ways to Respond to Conflict

  1. When you are provoked, you are being asked to respond. However, you do not have to! If you know the current situation is unhealthy, tell your combatant: “I can see you are upset. Now is not the time to discuss this situation. Let’s chat when we are both able to listen to each other.”
  2. Tell someone who continues to argue: “This discussion is off limits. We will resolve this later.” Then change the subject and move forward.
  3. If the interactions escalate, do not respond. Do not get the last word in. Walk away. Let your body language talk. Leave the scene and stop further distress.

During a Conflict > Create Cooperation!

  1. Agree to disagree. Use the misunderstanding to find common ground.
  2. Use empathy to understand another person’s viewpoint and expand your awareness.
  3. Make “I” statements. State how someone’s behavior affects you. Do not blame. Offer resolutions instead. And ask for input. This helps build reciprocal empowerment.
  4. Humor rarely helps in conflict situations. It often aggravates and inflames. Use empathy to connect with another who is upset.
  5. Seek to understand. Paraphrase another person’s words. This shows you acknowledge their concerns.
  6. Be proactive and positive in selecting your words and when using your body language.
  7. Learn passive aggressive behavior ques, so you will know how to navigate challenging conversations. Passive aggression is a common communication maneuver to gain control.

Use Conflict to Learn & Grow!

Remember conflicts are not about who is right or wrong. Conflicts arise because of our perception gives rise to judging another person or situation. Often when we know all the facts, or gather more information we learn our viewpoint may stand to be corrected.

Use the contrast of conflict to seek how another person thinks, perceives and reacts. Use these moments as a springboard to understand more about interpersonal communication behavior. In doing so, conflicts will teach you how to respond, react and resolve conflict successfully!

Related Communication Guidebooks that Help!

Copyright 2020. All Rights Reserved. Permission ONLY Reprints from Patty

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11 Essential Listening Skills that Make Every Relationship Work

Communicating with others is vital to
our human experience.

The primary ingredient for relating
successfully with others

Here are top listening skills, that are
easy to implement into your life,
and will enhance your relationships.

  1. Listen Proactively and Attentively. Show you are interested in what others have to say. Engage in what they are saying. Respond with feedback. Ask for clarification.

  2. Listen to Learn. From understanding another person’s viewpoint to getting guidance on how to travel to another city, listening helps you learn. 

  3. Listen Objectively. Gather all information with an open mind. If what is being said is emotionally charged, take in the words without judgment. Remember you may not have all the facts. And, it is just one person’s opinion. Keep your mind open. And do not be quick to judge.

  4. Listen to Provide Feedback. Articulating what was said helps your mind organize and respond appropriately. Feedback helps further understanding and adds value to cooperative conversations.

  5. Listen to Clarify. Short or long, every message is a story told. Not everyone can tell an event in 3 sentences. As a listener, you can clarify by asking questions or paraphrasing, which helps you get the whole picture.

How to Listen to HEAR Another

  1. Stop your mind chatter so you can attend the conversation. If you are thinking about your response while another person talks, you are not really hearing –or listening to them.

  2. Hear words as just information. Remember everyone has their own version, perception and experiences. Words are pieces of information. The relational aspect is left to the interpretation of the listener.

  3. Do not interrupt the talker. Respect others and listen to them until they are done. Often you will learn more as they talk.

  4. Paraphrase in your own words back to the messenger what you think they said. This will clear up misunderstandings. And promote mutual awareness.

  5. If you do not understand the terminology- or you are getting an information overload > Ask the speaker to explain in simpler words, or slow down. Tell them you want to be able to understand, because you value their message.

  6. If you are preoccupied with your own issues it is difficult to hear another person. Tell your friend you need to talk another time when you are able to fully listen.

Listening is a powerful connector towards maintaining long lasting relationships. Listening attentively tells another you care, value and respect them. In most cases, listening is far more important than talking!

Check out these popular communication guides below.
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Copyright 2020. All Rights Reserved. Permission ONLY Reprints from Patty