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Emerging Love in a Wedding Resolve

Blog written September 23, 2019

One week ago my daughter married the man of her dreams. It was a blessed evening. A tiny wedding that was exquisite. Set outdoors in the typical Pacific Northwest style of rustic beauty and elegance. A night of celebration, reflection and re-prose. One day more it would be 40 years exactly her dad and I married in a more simple outdoor wedding down the road. And one day less, 8 years exactly was when we officially divorced. Her wedding date was sandwiched between our vows and demise.

Five years ago I could not comprehend this day. My children and I were reconciling from a 4 year estrangement because of my choice to grow on, heal, and become who I am now. Last week, during the morning hours I visited my old home of 30+ years. My daughter warned me to not be upset. It was overgrown and consumed by the forest. In poor disrepair. Hoarded up with stuff.

I said hello and good-bye to our family dog of 13 years who has cancer and a growing tumor inside. Her days are numbered. Our family cat of 17 years, always elusive heard my wish to see her. Quietly she met me out on the porch. She was thin. Her tabby coat more black than the once brown. I pet her as she beamed. She knew I was coming. For a few precious moments she meowed, purred, and rubbed herself on my legs. We said hello and then good-bye. I held my tears back. Just barely.

I had not seen my ex since 5 years past. When I hugged him- and my kids in the church aisles of my mother’s funeral for the first time since our divorce. It was a new beginning. There have been many beginnings since then. One week ago I revisited the home I physically helped build, nail by nail, now dilapidated. I was filled with deep sorrow and gratitude for the paths that intersected on this day and started many, many moons ago.

I spoke with my children’s father with concern for his rat problem that was eating away his precious vintage cars he restored that stole years from our marriage. Gave him easy solutions as I always had fed him knowing he would not follow through. My children have struggled with him lately. They are now seeing, believing and knowing truths behind my marriage woes. I can no longer fix any of it. Because there is no fixing an addict. He has resumed some good health with a so called non addictive pills that counters the prescription pills he harbored for too many years.

I stared at him at our daughter’s wedding…and thought about the choices he made, continues to make. He plays innocent to victimizing himself with his own thoughts and learned behaviors. Made life hard. A mess of his own mind because of what? I found it odd a great love swept over me for him. Not a love of wanting whatever we could have had that didn’t happen. Not a marriage type of love or even friendship. It was a love I had never experienced before. It was a compassionate love for our journey. And deep compassionate love for his life of severe misalignment. I realized I never stopped loving him right then. I could not deny I certainly despised his abuse in our marriage and subsequent divorce. The post trauma and angst it set into motion in my own life was horrific. I’ve always said it is easy to love people. It is hard to like them.

And since that 7 days ago I’ve cried too often. Realizing I still had not fully forgiven myself. For what we co-created beyond and far before this so called reality. For what I could not control or fix or help for him; and still cannot. For the path he continues to manifest which now pains our children. And for the gratitude of knowing I had- and did save myself. I had not forgiven fully, nor surrendered to what is and continues to be. I am not sure I ever will when the solution to chose health seems so simple. But it to most it is not simple, or easy. It takes a lot to own your stuff. To wade through a lifetime of upsets to your psyche. To find balance and ease and alignment with your soul self. To forgive what you could not control and, it was not in your power to do so for another.

My daughter’s wedding in effect was another transition spot. A full circle. Of years that opened me in ways I could not have ever perceived. Tears have run down my cheeks in random moments ever since. Many old friends hugged me tight and long for our long term journeys together. I realized through those hugs our deep connection; the impact and love we brought to each other throughout the years. I reveled in our reciprocal love and realized how much I had grown on from so much.

It is not my age or that I am afraid of time and death. It was not even in remembrance so much. It was a consciousness shift in appreciation for every path we have all chosen, healthy or not. My dying animals reminded me that all life is temporary. I am guaranteed to never physically feel them in this lifetime again. Our few precious moments are embedded in me now like no other. It was a strong realization of closure and life is fleeting and everyone and everything impermanent.

And so I cry. Thinking of the loves I left behind; that I had to walk away from to keep healthy. Perhaps my boundaries are too rigid now simply because I never had them. Perhaps I am running out of patience and tolerance for selfish and self serving people; or those who continue to make poor choices and re-enact episodes like old TV reruns.

As I re-entered Sams Valley I was tired. Complacent. Ambivalent. Feeling entirely done here. At the same time I surrendered to what the universe wants for me. I came home a day early. The next day out of state folks wanted to see my house specifically; and then again today. I am not excited, nor do I care. I feel at this point it doesn’t matter whether I stay here or go elsewhere. Although this was predetermined to be a temporary home. I knew it when I came. I long to return north where the grass is truly greener, the fire danger non existent, the summers much cooler, and to be closer to my kids. It no longer is about leaving for the things I hate here. It’s become about the new adventures that awaits me. For to stay here is to stagnate my own growth and desires. Plus, the memory of too many griefs I suffered here still lingers more than I care to admit.

I always said the universe would send me on from my ‘transition’ house when I was done baking. I am positive its getting closer. I am pretty sure these final pieces were vital to complete this chapter here: feeling this new compassionate love; too fully forgiving myself; and to trust again. I watch the puzzle pieces fall into their places, as they light my pathways ahead. Life continues to be a mystery, yet not so much now. However, my curiosity keeps me going. Because some days, I really want to sleep forever.

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Trust Your Inner Guide

This letter was written to a friend offering perspective.

My Friend, It sounds like you’ve got yourself in a corner? Or think you made a mistake? Allow me to offer some ideas…

Trust, This Too Shall Pass.
At this point in my earth sojourn, I realize so much is temporary and to make the best conscious decisions possible in every moment. Everything in each turn is a choice. My wisdom has been hard won. Too many years resisting what was actually easy to change. With mindful healthy habits my life is at ease now. I don’t let people or situations knock me off my center much anymore.

Don’t Let FEAR Take Up Rent in Your Head.
First, immediately kick the word FEAR and SCARED out of your vocabulary and thoughts. That is the biggest roadblock to being in the flow. And don’t beat yourself up either. Whatever your situation is… your higher soul self brought this lesson to you to learn from. Be grateful. Anything you manifested can be UN-manifested. And, please, do not worry. As fretting creates another speed-bump.

Pay Attention to Your Thoughts
No longer is it about trying harder to make things work out. This antiquated belief puts you paddling backwards upstream. Now, it is about the clarity of thought energy, and intention -not the physical effort. Primarily, it is deciding where you put your thoughts ALL the time. The intent by which you project outward comes back fast now. Live in the awareness- and with recognition for where you are mentally and emotionally in every moment. This is simple to do, but does take practice. The perceived good or bad …. appreciate that as a perspective, then release it. Carry nothing forward.

Take a Deep Breath. Relax. Refocus.
Whenever those rampant gut wrenching thoughts consume you – hit restart. Focus on your breathing to ground yourself immediately. And let unsettling thoughts float on by. Our brains are receptors and will pick up- and hold thought forms we identify with. Do not attach to taxing thoughts because they will get a foothold. Instead, use your thoughts to change your thoughts. Center and balance yourself with your heart energy. And breathe!

Accept the Challenge to Change.
All souls are being called to conquer our outdated paradigms. Primarily this process is purging thought patterns and habits that no longer serve us. Challenges are opportunities to re-examine and resolve conflicts within our psyche. Thus, we need to look at our resistant spots. Know there is a lesson-gift embedded, and open yourself. Let go of the notion of right vs. wrong. Instead expand your awareness. Stretch, then advance with confidence.

Live Intentionally. And with Clarity.
You will get your flow back. Just FEEL your way back to it. Situations ask us to evaluate- ascend from- and be present to consider new ideas for a healthy mindset. Just be cognizant and mindful where you put your thoughts. Take full responsibility for all your actions. Use intentions purposefully. Intention is very powerful right now. Particularly used in conjunction with clarity of thought.

Trust Your Inner Guide.
Go easy on yourself. Re-balance often with your breath. You got this. I know you do! I am just the reminder. That’s what friends are for! I wrote another article LIVE YOUR TRUTH awhile back that may also help.

Release and trust your inner wise warrior who is your guide. There awaits many magic moments ahead on our journey! Many blessings to YOU!

Below are books that offer related perspective, guidance and support. (Covers are linked.)

Copyright 2020. All rights reserved.
No reprints or copying without permission of the author, Patty Ann.

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Confessions of a Clairvoyant

My mortal eyes hardly discerned
And yet, intrinsicaly I already knew.
Those were glints of my destiny.
Overwhelmed, I retreated.
From warped and waffled panes.

Each an intrusive facet.
A peekaboo glance.
My naked fingertips barely
slipped over the window sill.

And yet, intrinsically I already knew.
Those were glints of my destiny.
Overwhelmed, I retreated.
Afraid. Confused. Throwing the curtains shut.

Curious. Why me?
Why should I KNOW, what I should not?

Yet I returned to the grid of panes.
The obscure glass thick, yet discernible.
As a tree grows to branch out, so did I.
My branches reached out to crack the glass ceiling.
And, shattered each into a shard of prisms.
I shunted the panorama.
Closed the damn curtain.
Yet the lit peepholes ignited…
To beg, tease, and beckon my return.

Curious. Why me?
Why should I SEE

The holes in my broken heart ahead.
Would they ever mend me whole again?
How would I survive the knowing?
Each window pane was lifeless. A mirror reflecting.
Each a puzzle piece; a channeled link.
Every breeze of recognition ripped the drapes open.

Curious. Why me?
Why should I HEAR

The whispers of silent sentences,
To which I defied and ignored.
But, IT happened anyway.

Was there NO choice in a preordained life?
Was MY Muse paving the path?
My fate sealed?
And my body and brain marionetted?
Puppeteered by ONE master maker?

The strings tugged, taunted.
Go here. Over there. Not now. Do IT.
My oak trunk thick, steady, and strong.
My branches sky-bound to shred the cloak.
Thirsty for the illumination;
Dauntless to the phantom of darkness.
My roots entrenched in the void of the sublime.
By osmosis my veins absorb the food of freedom.

Curious why me?
Why should I be…

The one with stealth insights,
To possess an umbilical cord to the divine,
And, be conscious of creation beyond dreams?

I am no one special.
Every one is extra-ordinary.

Curious. Why me?
Why am I fluent with the cosmos?

Just because I am curious?

Related books you may enjoy…

Copyright 2020. All Rights Reserved. Permission ONLY Reprints from Patty

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No Victims. Only Players.

While there are many ideations attached to the word VICTIM this article is an examination of our identify to roles played out inside interpersonal communications. This also includes the behaviors thereto.

The word VICTIM is not in my dictionary. Anymore. When life experiences pounded on my door to change my viewpoint, the very idea of participating in the role of victim no longer fit. Or, was welcome.

When a person plays the victim, they seek to blame others. They make excuses. Play helpless. Say it’s out of their control. Is playing a character role on stage a choice? Yes. And so is choosing your role.

People are unaware they are victims.
We are typically guided by our own learned behaviors. Often victim roles were taught in families of origin.

While you can be a totally responsible person, you can also play the victim. Trust me. I played that role extremely well.

It was not until I grew weary of the same scenarios that I took a hard look in the mirror. My problem was being too responsible. Ironically my choice made me a victim to my own irresponsibility to myself. And, this enabling was a huge disservice to my others. In effect, I allowed others to pile their ‘stuff’ on me. I was misguided and actually believed my good intentions would be recognized, even appreciated. Thus, I became the perfect enabler. My illogic told me others would see my overburden, and would step up to do their part. But they didn’t. They never do. We always pair with another to recycle learned behaviors, until we learn.

It takes 2 to tango.
After awareness, I saw the steps leading into a familiar dance. Yet, just didn’t know how to modify my behaviors. Then it dawned on me with such sweet simplicity. And clarity. I had found it difficult to say NO—when I was taught from my crib to say YES. Then a revelation came when I claimed No- and No More. It was empowering! With MY boundaries defined, my relationships knew where their boundaries were set. My communication became definitive, clear, and absolute. No longer were opportunists sharing my life. Sure some left. No loss. Attrition happens when you grow up.

Victim-hood does not exist in responsible relationships.
Self responsibility is self love. And, belongs to YOU alone. Daily attendance to your thoughts and habits are required while integrating new patterns to become routine. It is easy to change a thought; but it takes discipline to change a habit. Catching old character traits in action and rerouting your behaviors is completely self-directed. Once you bridge to healthier relationships you will wonder whatever took you so long.

Copyright 2020. All rights reserved.
No reprints or copying without permission of the author, Patty Ann.

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Lucid Dreams: Our Conscious Awareness of Expansion

A lucid dream is one where you are aware of your dream state as it’s happening.  Very often, lucid dreams deliver the dreamer a message. Other times, the lucid dreamer is the messenger of the dream, to deliver to someone else.

Lucid dreams are a way others communicate even though you may not have interacted for years. These relations may want to thank or acknowledge you. Or just say a simple hello. Souls who come forth can be alive, or departed. Be our animals, or another embodiment such as our spirit guides. And even, visitors we do not know.

When your dream conscious mind recognizes you are experiencing a dream, you also awake to your active participation inside this looking glass. Lucid dreams can be premonitions; travel to other dimensions or lifetimes; and visits to the past and future. You can even astral travel to see your friends and loved ones in real time. Test it out. Set a dream intention before falling asleep. And upon waking, you are able to remember every detail; even the oddities that perplexed you inside your luminous state.

Dreams are often abstract. Our constructs result from how our brain and/or subconscious receives, then interprets the information. Therefore, often messages need to be untangled. Like a puzzle, pieced into place. This is the fun part. If your lucid dream includes another living person, chat with them. Most often they can help you figure it out. Or, fit the peculiar pieces together.

For instance. My son-in-law, Conner, had an owl dream he had to share with me. He was reticent to disclose the oddities in the dream. Why? Because in his immediate perception it was not only baffling, but downright weird. But, to me his dream revealed AWESOMENESS.

In short, Conner’s dream was about a very large robust owl who appeared, and towered over him. The owl was intense with intent. Before long Conner was carrying this owl, inside a package, as they went on a walk. That is where his dream ended. So Conner’s lucid dream became a journey because he was quite compelled to tell me. Yet he did not understand why. Until I then told Conner of my experience last year. Which happened to be just a month prior to when he married my daughter! We figured out all the nuances of his brief owl encounter, including that package he needed to deliver. It was very evident my Great Grey Owl was reaching out to me once again. To tell me he was fine, and even stronger than before. This was not the first time my friend reached out through another. But, it was the first time the Great Grey used a lucid dream to reconnect. And no less, on a night of a full moon! The miracle story of this Great Grey Owl is linked here.

Once you start having awareness inside your lucid dreams you will be captivated. Largely because you will discover other aspects of your soul self. And, you will open up other portholes of possibilities. In turn, your options for self awareness expands beyond limitless. Essentially, it is your own consciousness–along with the collective that recognizes itself in action. And so these interludes become magic in the making!

Having a lucid dream is a natural progression and evolution of our soul journey. Some may consider lucid dreams as a sign of evolving oneself from this 3rd dimension into the 5th dimensional beings we are destined to become. Oh MY! And guess what? My front door just blew wide open while typing this last sentence… to reinforce this point!? There are NO coincidences. Only synchronized junctions of harmonic agreements.

Experiment with your dream intentions prior to sleep. You can also arrange to meet someone in a dream. And together co-create a dream-escape–another stage on which to perform. It helps that your friend is not only receptive, but also has lucid dream awareness. Once upon a time, I had a co-conspiring dream friend. Made from inside creation itself, with our own conscious intent: our dreams manifested pure alchemy.

Lucid dreams are becoming prolific and the norm for many now. It is a gift. Threads strung from our own cosmic connections to expand our awareness during this unique sojourn. Unveil the mystery. And enjoy the enchantments that will surprise and delight you.

Click to Check Out All Topics in the Soul Self Series!

Copyright 2020.
All rights reserved.
No reprints or copying without permission of the author, Patty Ann.

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Did Mother Earth Arrange a Rest with Corona?

Inhale. Then Exhale.
In — Out — Slower.
In. Out. S-l-o-w-l-y. Deeper. 3 Times.

Our Planet requires – needs a rest. We ALL Do.
Nature communicates with us constantly.
It is our job to listen. And, hear her voice.
What happens when children disrespect their parent?
Often, a time out is enforced.

Corona is not taking victims.
Nor is IT a random fluke.
It is a construct.
A natural consequence by design.
By which humanity co-created.

The question may not be how to stop the virus.
It may be how to stop ourselves long enough to reflect.
On stripping our planet of her protection; her skin of trees.
From mining earth’s belly of essential oils cultivated for herself.
And harvesting her oceans to depletion, using her as a trash bin.
Attending our mother, is simply called savvy self preservation.

Didn’t you feel the tension building?
The unease. The unrest. The energy chaotic?
Our complacent bubble about to burst?
The conscious souls did. But, we are in the minority.
We need 51% on board to tilt the tide.

So. Nature found a way to redirect us.
Stop us in our tracks. Interrupt the discord.
Perhaps, steer us back to basics. And to…
– Resurrect and reconnect our relationships.
– Quiet our minds to ascend our thoughts.
– Test our intelligence. Grow our soul.
– Encourage community. And responsibility.
– Restore us to caring and care-taking.

OUR planet is a connected, conscious living being.
She is allowing herself an intermission.
A space where we can redefine our priorities.
One more opportunity to examine and evolve.
The real question is: ARE YOU LISTENING?

Inhale. Then Exhale.
In — Out — Slower.
In. Out. S-l-o-w-l-y. Deeper. 3 Times.

To help you refocus, check out: 9 Steps to Your Happy Spot

Copyright 2020 by Patty Ann – Article Reprints Granted by Permission Only.

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Intentional Thoughts = Healthy Choices

Many of us grew up in a chaotic households fraught with severe dysfunctional patterns. As children we absorbed our parents behaviors; just as they followed their own parental upbringing. Once a child reaches the age of 12 these programs are implanted. We run this programming well into mid-life, re-playing scenarios as adults. Then events begin to call us to wake up. And question. And, if lucky, we begin the process of changing ourselves; namely how we think.

Just as our parents, and their parents before them, we adopted behaviors that seemed to work well for survival. There is no blame for the generational sins of our ancestry.
We did the best we could for who we were and what we were taught. We simply did not know any different. In fact. You could say: we are-were puppets mastered by our learned behaviors.

Many people continue to be puppeteered the rest of their lives. Why? Because often it’s easier to follow habits. And, not think about their thoughts…the same thoughts that control every aspect of their being.

To illustrate this point, lets examine those who have the incessant need to control others. An adult who controls others may have been a child growing up in a households riddled with systemic issues. One where typically there was no choice. Where respect meant following rules, and obedience to parents; however they conducted family affairs. Children are helpless. With no hope-, or even an inkling, of how to change or influence outcomes. Children typically have limited examples to live by. Thus, adapt and absorb, then live out a version of what was taught as right or wrong.

Many adults today control others. Perhaps they are making up for what they could not control as children. Or they lived with domineering parents and that is the behavior they mimick.  Yet it becomes a vicious, no-win cycle.

Society, corporate institutions, and households still hold fast to control as a means to self gratification. Many believe control over others still works. The contrast is blaringly loud. People know there is a better way and are rebelling. Unfortunately many continue to recycle the same antiquated control methods. However, truly, we can control ONLY ONE person: OURSELF. Becoming aware and aligning with a true intention – WE empower ourself.

Awareness is knowing there are consequences that arise from our thoughts in action. Being AWARE is taking personal responsibility; and knowing how our thought programs run our behaviors. Advanced awareness uses thoughts to correct thought patterns. AWARENESS is making conscious, intentional choices that create healthy outcomes.

Making a choice in good thought is not enough. NOW it’s about making intentional choices to bring about desired outcomes. This journey starts with YOU. Everyone has free will choice of thought. Everything we do every moment is a free will thought enacted.

The choice we have going forth is: Do we allow our programmed child minds to continue to recreate habits that no longer serve us? Or, do we take our God given right of free will thought, and help ourselves into a life of ease and grace?

My fascination with behaviors that stem from learned thought patterns instigated the LET YOUR SOUL SELF SPEAK OUT Series. Each lesson tackles a different topic. Formatted with Q&As and short subject synopsis, these mindful assessments are geared for individual self reflections and/or group discussions. Thought provoking, this series is designed for the classroom, as well as individual growth mindset development. Check them out!