Famous words for serious conversations:
I had long known I would get cancer at my age. I didn’t believe it to be a death threat, although that was what my doctor referral notice said. I thought I should be alarmed. But I was not.
A silence grew between us as I processed. The Dr. asked if I was alright. I said flatly, “It doesn’t surprise me”. Silence again. Then I followed up with “What’s next? I want this resolved.” I am not one to bury my head in the sand. Although I knew the lump was growing and passed it off months prior to ripping a tendon or muscle while lifting heavy gates and much more. Actually told a friend I was going to need surgery. However, I didn’t think it would be BREAST CANCER.
I told the Dr. what I had done months earlier and wondered if there was a connection. NO. This was a very slow growing tumor, commencing with estrogen deposits in the duct. I figured it did not become noticeable sooner because my diet is healthy: anti-oxident aka anti-cancer foods. The good news. No cancer was detected in the lymph node next door to my soft, swollen ‘cyst’ that was a tumor of ugly.
There are no coincidences. I wrecked my body after months of heavy lifting, digging and prepping my property to build a house and horse barn. I was severely misaligned and my left side was hurting bad. I went to my primary care and asked for a referral to see a chiropractor. And added I had a lump too. He asked if I wanted a mammogram. I said YES. So if not for my broken body I may not have detected this tumor even though I knew it needed attending.
My first time ever chiropractor visit revealed I had 3 ribbed stretched out of place. Right next to this tumor. I had felt the fluid flow into this area and form a soft ball. And I monitored it as it got hard. I ignored. Why? Because I know my body always healed itself. Yet, my body screamed loud, in spite of my high pain tolerance. The chiropractic visits realigned my body. As the rest of my body reset, the tumor site did not. It had a voice of its own that screamed too! My side was on fire. I hurt from much that was self induced. I grew overly tired and often fell asleep during waking moments. My conscientious had been drifting as if I was in a lucid dream state. I was in this world; yet not feeling a part of it. I had lost bits of time; blank spots. This had been going on for a while. I did not connect it to the mass of dead cells inside me. Until I knew better.
Of course I went through a big head time reassessment. And realized this prognosis was about me changing my consciousness; elevating it to the next level. After all I am a person who seeks to expand my mind. A student of the universe, and a co-creator in hand with the Almighty. So why not me? I seek experiences, not always nice, and as a teacher I am compelled to share for the benefit of others who will walk similar paths.
MY cancer news came on the Monday of the last week of Advent. Timely. Fitting. On Good Friday I did a backyard ceremony. I had held onto PSTD for too long that was related to too much past trauma. I made a list of the people, events, and circumstances I allowed to take up rent in my head. I cut the list in strips of items to purge out of my life permanently.
I took a new white mug, the strips of the list, and a lighter outside. Set up a pseudo alter. Burned each aggravation and set it in the mug to smolder to ashes. I chanted a prayer and blessed my past. Forgave myself- and others for our ignorance of being unaware of our follies. I intentionally used the Easter Triduum to journey the path of Jesus. I repented. Gave thanks. And held gratitude in my heart and soul. And loved and thanked all who I believe trespassed me, including the lump that laid inside my bosom. On Easter Sunday I went to the Pacific coast to soak up Ocean Ions. A non-Catholic since 15, I still firmly believe in many of blessings that Christ gifted to us. I acknowledged and found God’s journey and this timing was quite representative of my own walk and circumstance.
This tumor of growth has set me on a cycle of acceptance. Releasing resistance. And trusting the medical profession during this tumultuous time following Covid, and with our world in chaos. I reach back to the innocence of my youth when the world belonged to my desires. Fearless. Adventurous. Faithful all would work out. And it did.
Consciously I decided to be proactive. Learn about what so many women before me have persevered. Understand their breast cancer, so in turn I can help another. It’s about choices. The little ones and the big ones.
It took me awhile to utter the words “Breast cancer” as if it were contagious. And, I have barely uttered the words to this point that: “I HAVE breast cancer”. I will tell you why. I see myself as whole and in a few weeks on the other side of this and healing up from surgery. I do not want to focus or dwell on it. I see myself then telling many friends for the first time, “I HAD Breast Cancer”.